the latest

anxious allison

When I get anxious, I write. I always have, and I probably always will. I don’t know whether it’s the act of writing itself or the public sharing that makes me feel better. But there’s something about leaving it all on a page somewhere whether in a journal or on here, my corner of the world wide web.

I’ve been anxious for as long as I can remember. Not butterflies before a recital or first date jitters, but nail-biting, vomit-inducing, near-crippling anxiety. Go to bed at 8pm and sleep for 14 hours anxiety. Watch a movie that I know will make me cry so I can feel like I’m releasing something anxiety. Laying in bed unable to sleep, heart beating three times as fast as it should anxiety.

Anxiety over everything and anything. It goes up and down, of course. Stable relationships help. So does regular income. Reassurance from loved ones. Regular exercise. A routine. Basically, anything that makes me feel like I have some control over my life.

But often after I get a mixed signal, whether from someone in my personal or professional life, I start to spiral. I think about how little I really do have control over. I start to question every little thing I’ve ever done and fixate on all of my mistakes. I ask why I’ve done so little (traveling, socializing, corporate ladder climbing) compared to my peers.

I take a deep breath. Or four.

Close my eyes. Imagine all of the possibilities of what my life could be like this time next year. In five years. In ten years.

I fight through the bad. Unemployment. Aloneness. Loss.

I imagine the good things. Another stamp in my passport. Another degree. A healthy body. A home. A walk-in closet. A baby. Two babies. Happiness.

Advertisements
Standard

2 thoughts on “anxious allison

  1. Pingback: my mental happy place | new york is my boyfriend

  2. Pingback: how to get out of a slump | new york is my boyfriend

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s