boyfriend

things to do while you’re waiting for a text back

I don’t know if they’re abandonment or attention issues, but something is definitely wrong with me. My thoughts always shoot to the worst-case scenario, and this has negatively affected many past relationshipsIf he’s not texting me back, he’s probably on a date with someone else. Maybe he’s ghosting me. Why’s there a weird emoji next to his name on Snapchat? Did he unfollow me on Instagram?

Aaaaaand that’s just a little taste of how psycho I am. Here’s what I do to come back to normal.

1. Write a blog post.

2. Do some squats.

3. Browse through Tumblr.

4. Call my mom.

5. Go grocery shopping.

6. Knock out some freelance work.

7. Slap on a face mask.

8. Play Words with Friends.

9. Make a cup of coffee.

10. Go on Pinterest and look at wedding photos.

11. Eat a spoonful of Phish Food.

12. Read your entire text history and wonder where you went wrong.

 

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things that are ruined for me because i shared them with boys

The best and worst part of dating someone is sharing your favorite things and places with them, thus building memories. But when the relationship ends, these moments aren’t so happy anymore and going to your favorite pizza place or watching something on Netflix just reminds you of them and makes you sad. Well, it makes ME sad.

“Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison

Used to be my favorite song to play while I was driving in the summer in convertible mode (all the windows down, sunroof open) in my high school car. Not anymore. Sigh.

My favorite restaurant (Lil’ Frankie’s)

My favorite place in the world. My late-night spot, my hangover helper, my joie de vivre. Carbohydrate Capital of NYC. I love you. I don’t love that I shared you with someone who didn’t love me.

 

My favorite TV show (The Office)

I’ve loved you for so long…why did I watch you with boys who didn’t text me back? I hate that we compared our favorite characters (Dwight, Meredith & Creed), preferred episodes (all the Christmas ones), and the cutest Jim & Pam moments.

My favorite tacos (Tacombi)

Yeah, there’s a lot of food on this list. But what can I say? I know how to eat.

 

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the (most important) men of ‘sex & the city,’ ranked by me

Thanks to a new Amazon Prime membership, I recently binge-watched all six seasons of Sex and the City(No, I don’t have a life.) I’ve always been a fan of the show, but watched it rather sporadically, enjoying a re-run here and there instead of following it serially. Regardless, my recent bingeing and seasoned dating experience have given me a fresh perspective as to which men are worthy and which are trash.

1. Smith Jerrod

Smith did NOT get enough air time. Hotness aside, he was hands down the sweetest guy in all six seasons of SATC. He stuck by Samantha not just through cancer, but during a relapse with Richard (trash). Not to mention that he was totally unthreatened by Samantha’s success, didn’t care that tabloids thought he was gay, and worked super hard in his own career.

2. Steve Brady

Another under-appreciated gem is bartender Steve, who Miranda is literally so rude to until the last season. It was pretty inevitable that they would end up together, since they had a kid and all, but it’s impossible not to melt when Steve tells her that she’s “the one” at Brady’s birthday party. Also, Miranda totally dismissed him for wanting to be a career bartender, and in the meantime he opens his own super successful bar.

3. Harry Goldenblatt

I’ve always been a sucker for Harry – the reason for his mid-range rating is because he wouldn’t marry Charlotte unless she converted to Judaism. I believe in soulmates and true love, but that really might have been a deal breaker for me. Regardless, he’s super sweet to her, despite how embarrassed she is of him when they first start dating. I love an underdog, and Harry is the ultimate.

4. Aiden Shaw

I know everyone loves Aiden, but there were some red flags about him from day one. He wouldn’t date Carrie because she was a smoker, and TBH he was pretty rude about it. The relationship was a low point for Carrie as well, since she cheated on him, but I always thought Aiden was pretty immature. He was constantly threatened by Big (maybe rightfully so), which came off as petty and childish. Oh, and he nearly booted Carrie from her apartment.

5. Trey MacDougal

Pretty bad. He and his mother were both totally unsupportive of Charlotte’s reproductive challenges, and were annoyingly traditional. Also, he claimed he was a “non-sexual person” and wouldn’t sleep with his WIFE, who caught him getting off to a dirty magazine in their bathroom. The only reason he’s not at the bottom of this list is because he let Charlotte keep that amazing apartment.

6. Jack Berger

Berger is the wooooorst. Threatened by Carrie’s success, listened to frog sounds to fall asleep, and totally hung up on his ex. And he broke up with her on a fucking post-it. Bye.

7. Big

If you’re not a seasoned SATC viewer, you probably think Big and Carrie’s relationship is super romantic. After close and careful analysis, I can safely say that this relationship was damaging and draining for both parties, more so for Carrie. Big obviously had serious commitment issues, but cast Carrie aside to marry 27-year-old Natasha. The only reason he’s not last is that he always encouraged and supported Carrie’s writing career.

8. Aleksandr Petrovsky

Carrie should have kept him as a “lover” and stopped him from moving on to boyfriend status. She candidly told him that she didn’t want to rule out having kids, and he shut her down. He convinced her to go to Paris and left her wandering Chanel and the streets alone. He was rude to her friends, caused her to miss deadlines, and made her eat lunch alone with his ex-wife.

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another year, another 3 resolutions

Well…2016 is finally coming to an end. I think a lot of people have mixed feelings about this past year–for me, it was definitely a rollercoaster. SO much has changed in the last twelve months. I graduated from college, got a 9-5 job, and moved twice. It’s kind of crazy how unprepared I felt for it all, and how many added responsibilities I now have.

2016 coming to an end has me thinking about where I’ll be this time next year. There are still a lot of things I want to do, like get a Master’s degree and live abroad (maybe I can combine these two…), so who knows if either of those will become a reality over the next twelve months.

This time of year is always overwhelming, between Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s eve, and my birthday (it’s a busy two months!), but I wanted to take time to make a list of my resolutions for 2017.

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1. Have dates with myself. I’ve found myself wistfully scrolling through Instagram and seeing cool gallery exhibits, pop-up eateries, and outdoor installations, yet never actually go to these things–even though tons of them are right here in NYC! I want to make more of an effort to actually go to these kinds of things, even if I can’t find someone else who wants to tag along.

2. Get my finances in order. I started working on this a few months ago when I realized that I have to pay taxes (yay, freelancing!). But I definitely want to get my expenses in order so I can invest and save the rest.

3. STOP CARING ABOUT BOYS! I literally sound like a broken record but I am so sick of spending time and energy on dead-end relationships. I promise to work on this so I can stop whining about it…

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what your choice of dating site says about you

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I’m (OBVIOUSLY) no stranger to dating apps. In fact, I’ve tried just about every single one. In using everything from Tinder to OkCupid, I’ve learned a thing or two about the kinds of people each app attracts. Here, what your preferred app says about Y-O-U.

1. Bumble

bumble

You’re an over-achiever. All of your social media platforms are totally professional, and there isn’t a keg stand photo of you to be found on the Internet. If you’re a female user, you’re cool, confident, and collected–and if you’ve managed to get lucky on Bumble, I’m betting you have a stockpile of witty pick-up lines (please send over). If you’re a male user, you’ve either been raised to appreciate women or are lazy AF.

2. Tinder

tinder

You’re not here for anything serious. Chances are, you like the instant gratification of swiping and matching with someone, and have a hard time making long-term commitments. You’re likely a nomad, jack-of-all trades, who can’t stay in one place for too long. If you’re a male user, you’re drawn to Tinder by its ease of use and unspoken promise of a hook-up.

3. OkCupid

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You prefer browsing singles on desktop rather than mobile, or maybe you like the flexibility to do both. If you’re a male user, you’re highly aggressive–since you don’t have to “match” with someone before you start a convo, you can literally message anybody. If you’re a female user, you probably know someone who met their husband on OkCupid (literally a one in a million chance), and joined with a faint hope of finding something real. Also, you probably like attention since you’ll get approximately 400 messages a day.

4. Happn

happn

This one is for anyone who regularly trolls the missed connections section on Craigslist (guilty 🙋). You’re a hopeless romantic who believes in fate and chance encounter. Good luck out there.

5. Match

match

You’re ready for commitment and financially stable enough to pay for a dating site membership. You’ve probably used all of the above apps to no avail, and finally caved for something that promises results. You’re someone who doesn’t like bullshit, and regularly mutters “I’m too old for this.”

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why chandler bing is low-key the perfect guy

I still can’t believe that the first time I watched Friends I thought Ross was the cutest guy on the show. In my high school years, I was all about Joey, since he was a famous actor and all, but in college I moved on to Chandler. Cushy finance job? Check! Makes me LOL? Check! Is insecure enough to be desperate? Double check! Here are 8 reasons why Chandler Bing is the perfect man (despite his unfortunate sounding name).

1. He’s funny AF.

chandler-funny

2. His hair is always on point.

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3. He’s not just another finance guy.

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4. He quit his job to pursue his passion.

chandler-cheese

5. He always says what he’s thinking.

chandler-bitch

6. He’s a great cuddler.

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7. He’s an amazing dancer.

chandler

8. And a great friend.

chandler-hug

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why fall is the worst time to be single

Something about football season, cozy clothes, and Instagrammable leaves makes fall seem like a great time to be in a relationship…not that I’m in one. I remember starting my first year of college and assuming I would have a boyfriend to bring home to meet my parents over Thanksgiving weekend. I literally laughed out loud as I wrote that. Anyway, here are some reasons why being single in my favorite season is worse than any other time of year.

1. You don’t have a cute significant other to take pumpkin patch pics with, so your Instagram game is suffering.

chandler

2. You don’t have someone to steal oversize flannel shirts from.

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3. Another year of not being part of a couples Halloween costume.

jim

4. The holidays are coming up, so you know your extended family is going to be questioning your perennial singleness.

die-alone

5. It suddenly seems like everybody is in a relationship except you, so you spend your nights drinking white wine alone in your apartment.

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6. Love Actually is back on Netflix, and you don’t have anyone to watch it with. (Actually, I can’t even get my mom to watch this with me so idk how valid this complaint is.)

love-actually

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anatomy of a finance douche

NYC is home to a specific breed of a (not so) gentleman I like to call the “finance douche.” Thanks to Wall Street and all of the major banks that call New York home, there are an incredible amount of guys who work “in finance” doing something that makes a ridiculous amount of money without needing to be especially smart. Here’s what makes them tick.

1. They (obviously) studied Finance in college.Or maybe Econ if they couldn’t get into the business program. Probably a private university in the Northeast, maybe Georgetown or UVA.

andy cornell

2. Interned at Goldman Sachs or JP Morgan. AKA fucked around for a summer on someone else’s dime.

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3. Lives in Murray Hill, FiDI or the Upper East Side with at least two of his college buddies. The rest live in a 4-block radius. They still play beer pong on Sunday afternoons.

gossip girl

4. Their favorite topic of conversations are a) drunk frat shenanigans; b) Microsoft Excel; c) their alcoholic boss.

excel

5. Totes an Amex that has an annual fee higher than your rent.

tom money

6. Studied abroad in Dublin or London and doesn’t remember any of it.

workaholics

7. Wears Chubbies in a non-ironic way.

frat guys

8. Smokes occasional cigarettes in an ironic way.

don draper smoking

Check our more NYC stereotypes here

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when you realize you’re liz lemon AF

I recently re-watched 30 Rock (hit me with your Netflix suggestions) and got kind of freaked out by how much I related to Liz Lemon. I started watching this show when I was in high school, when I first started appreciating quality television. For the past few months I feel like all I’ve done is work, eat and sleep, basically mirroring Lemon’s life as a head writer for TGS. Here are 7 reasons why we’re literally the same person.

1. We both have our priorities straight.

mozz sticks

2. We’re both known for our infamous eye roll.

liz lemon eye roll

3. We’re both terrible at comforting our friends.

crying

4. We exercise for the same reason…to eat more.

liz lemon exercise

5. Neither of us has actually ever had a successful interaction with a man.

interaction

6. We both eat cheese after dark. Alone. While watching Netflix. Sometimes in bed.

night cheese

7. We started wearing more and going out less.

yes to

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