the latest

anxious allison

When I get anxious, I write. I always have, and I probably always will. I don’t know whether it’s the act of writing itself or the public sharing that makes me feel better. But there’s about leaving it all on a page somewhere in a journal or on here, my corner of the world wide web.

I’ve been anxious for as long as I can remember. Not butterflies before a recital or first date jitters, but nail-biting, vomit-inducing, near-crippling anxiety. Go to bed at 8pm and sleep for 14 hours anxiety. Watch a movie that I know will make me cry so I can feel like I’m releasing something anxiety. Laying in bed unable to sleep, heart beating three times as fast as it should anxiety.

Anxiety over everything and anything. It goes up and down, of course. Stable relationships help. So does regular income. Reassurance from loved ones. Regular exercise. A routine. Basically, anything that makes me feel like I have some control over my life.

But often after I get a mixed signal, whether from someone in my personal or professional life, I start to spiral. I think about how little I really do have control over. I start to question every little thing I’ve ever done and fixate on all of my mistakes. I ask why I’ve done so little (traveling, socializing, corporate ladder climbing) compared to my peers.

I take a deep breath. Or four.

Close my eyes. Imagine all of the possibilities of what my life could be like this time next year. In five years. In ten years.

I fight through the bad. Unemployment. Aloneness. Loss.

I imagine the good things. Another stamp in my passport. Another degree. A healthy body. A home. A walk-in closet. A baby. Two babies. Happiness.

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boyfriend, the latest

things that are ruined for me because i shared them with boys

The best and worst part of dating someone is sharing your favorite things and places with them, thus building memories. But when the relationship ends, these moments aren’t so happy anymore and going to your favorite pizza place or watching something on Netflix just reminds you of them and makes you sad. Well, it makes ME sad.

“Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison

Used to be my favorite song to play while I was driving in the summer in convertible mode (all the windows down, sunroof open) in my high school car. Not anymore. Sigh.

My favorite restaurant (Lil’ Frankie’s)

My favorite place in the world. My late-night spot, my hangover helper, my joie de vivre. Carbohydrate Capital of NYC. I love you. I don’t love that I shared you with someone who didn’t love me.

ILYSM ❤️❤️❤️ @lilfrankies

A post shared by Allison Russo (@allirussoo) on

My favorite TV show (The Office)

I’ve loved you for so long…why did I watch you with boys who didn’t text me back? I hate that we compared our favorite characters (Dwight, Meredith & Creed), preferred episodes (all the Christmas ones), and the cutest Jim & Pam moments.

My favorite tacos (Tacombi)

Yeah, there’s a lot of food on this list. But what can I say? I know how to eat.

 

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the latest

24 years later

Another year older, another year (I feel a little) wiser. Birthdays are bittersweet for me, but when I think about where I am on today, this year, versus where I was on this day last year (job-hunting, dating two jerks, unhappy), I feel so, so, so, so, so grateful.

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I made a lot of hard decisions at the end of my 23rd year…I chose to take a break from New York, to leap for a job outside of my comfort zone, to re-evaluate my priorities in life, and to really set goals for myself. I’m really happy with these decisions so far, and I’m so goddamn excited for my 24th year.

My birthday always makes me think about the future. Will I feel different next year, when I turn 25? What about 28? Or 30? Will I be married? Have kids? A mortgage? Stop coloring my hair?  It’s a mystery, but there is definitely some stuff I want to accomplish in the next few years. So, true to form, I’ve made a list. And I’ve given myself a pretty big window. Anything I should add?

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places, the latest

melancholia

I have caught myself missing new york several times. Several heart-tugging, gut-wrenching times…wondering why I “gave up” something I’d dreamed of for my whole life: living in NEW YORK CITY. I tear up thinking about my favorite places that are no longer just a subway ride away (I’m crying about Lil’ Frankie’s pizza right now), and miss the rush of pride I got from telling people that yes, I do live in New York.

But then I remember why I left. I enjoy being alone, but I felt truly lonely. Every relationship that I thought had potential ended up being a dead end. My closest friends from college left New York after graduation, so I felt like I didn’t have anyone to confide in.

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I hate admitting to myself that I did the easy thing by leaving. I’ve thought of a thousand reasons to justify my decision (“better quality of life!” “too expensive!” “i’m over it!”) and am still struggling to accept that the real reasons were these overwhelming feelings of loneliness and just wanting to give up.

The reality is, I have been in a significantly better place, mental health-wise, since moving away. I booked a trip to Iceland with one of my friends on a whim (checking off those resolutions!) and feel that I have more control of where my careers is going. I feel like I finally have time to have a “normal” routine and schedule, not to mention a support system (hi mom and dad).

I don’t regret leaving, but I’ll be back there soon enough…or whenever I start making enough money to live by myself.

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places

travel vignettes: ITALY

Years ago, when I first created a tumblr account, I wrote down my favorite words about places I traveled to. I recently searched through my archives to find these, and thought they would be a nice little series on the blog. 

vespa
garlic
street decorations
blood oranges
marble
semolina
basilica
autostrada
granita
michelangelo
pellegrino
fountains
sunflowers
double cheek kisses

Italy!

I went to Italy when I was in fifth grade and wrote this list in February 2012.

follow new york is my boyfriend on tumblr.

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the latest

in 2018 i resolve to…

It’s January 4, but oh, well. Better late than never! Last year, I resolved that in 2017 I would date myself, get my finances in order, and stop caring about boys. And I actually think I did pretty well – considering that 2017 was the most challenging year of my life, career- and relationship-wise.

I spent a lot of time alone in 2017, swallowed up by NYC, checking off items on my bucket list whether I had a friend or date to come with me or not. I set up traditional and Roth IRAs (adult AF), overcame my fear of getting a flu shot, and ended unfulfilling relationships. Though it was a difficult year, it ended on a high note, and I’m feeling super optimistic about 2018, political situation aside.

So this year, here’s what I’ve resolved to do, using Lady Bird gifs to illustrate. Did anyone see the movie? What did you think?!

Sleep.

More on this here. By a happy accident I got a new and improved mattress a few days ago, so maybe that will help my ongoing quest for higher quality sleep.

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Travel.

I have a little trip booked to Savannah next month, and would love to check off at least one other destination on my bucket list this year. Maybe Iceland, Portland (Oregon), or New Orleans.

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Read.

Would love your suggestions! On my list are BossypantsA Little Life, and All the Light We Cannot See.

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Create.

nyc is my boyfriend is so special to me. I have put so much time and energy into this blog, and feel that I’ve created a brand/image that is essentially my soul on a webpage. I’m so grateful to anyone who reads my posts, and want to create more original content for you guys in 2018.

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Happy healthy new year to you all ❤

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the latest

when did my bedtime routine get so long?

I’ve always dreaded bedtime the way a little kid does, though probably for different reasons. I’m not trying to stay up late to eat another snack or watch a movie – I simply can never fall asleep. I used to be part of the “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” mentality, which was alright while I was in college, but my performance in life and at work is significantly poorer when I’m overtired.

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A while ago I wrote about what it’s like having a brain that never shuts off – not because I’m, like, a philosophical thinker (just an over-thinker) – which contributes to my consistent sleeplessness. I’ve tried every trick in the book: melatonin, meditation, hypnosis, lavender eye pillows, Advil PM, milk, and prescription meds, to name a few.

One of my resolutions this year (more on those later) is to make more of a conscious effort to get better quality sleep. I’ve noticed that my activity during the day is just as crucial to my bedtime routine for getting a sufficient amount of sleep – exercise is the big key to this, and I’ll hopefully be doing more of this as I get ready for a major bike ride in June.

My nightly routine, which has tripled in length over the past year, has also helped with falling asleep. Until about a year ago, the only things I’d do to get ready for bed were taking a shower and brushing my teeth. I still do both of those things, but I also do a brief arm workout, use three different face creams, give myself a neck massage, put on a face mask, and take an alarming amount of vitamins. I think that consistency is key for stuff like this, and hopefully sticking to a routine will pay off.

What do you do when you have trouble sleeping? 

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