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legitimate questions and concerns

I recently finished reading Mindy Kaling’s Why Not Me?, and you ALL should read it. Like, I read it in two days commuting to work and literally burst out laughing so people on the train thought I was crazy. You should also read her first book, all her tweets, and anything else she has ever written ever. Mindy is someone I respect a whole lot, and I feel so lucky to have a funny person who isn’t a size zero as a role model. In her newest book, she brings up a list of questions and concerns called “4am Worries.” I related to a lot of them (I will never have a husband and all of my female acquaintances will) and laughed at others (Why was there so much hair in the shower drain? Am I going bald? Will I need to invest in a wig?).

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As someone who regularly cannot fall asleep because I’m too busy picturing worst-case-scenarios and wondering what I’m doing with my life, I have my own list of 4am worries.

Will I ever be able to afford a house?

Why don’t I have a boyfriend? Do I even want a boyfriend?

What if I wait too long to get married and my dad won’t be there to walk me down the aisle?

What if I wait too long to have kids and neither of my parents are here anymore?

Do I have the Alzheimer’s gene?

What if my friends stop wanting to be friends with me?

What is a 401k? What is social security? How does a mortgage work? Do I need to hire an accountant to do my taxes? Is it OK that I’m 22 and my dad still does them for me?

Did I pay my credit card bill on time?

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Uncategorized

can’t stop, won’t stop (thinking)

One of my earliest and most meaningful memories is from a school assembly I went to as a kindergarten student. I have no idea what the premise was for gathering a group of 5-12 year olds in the school’s gymnasium, but I clearly remember one woman introducing another–I couldn’t tell you whether they were firefighters giving a safety presentation or teachers being presented with awards, but the way this woman was introduced *literally* impacted my life. She was presented to myself and my fidgety, cross-legged sitting classmates as someone whose brain never shuts off, someone who is constantly thinking.

For some reason, this struck a chord with five-year-old me. I wanted to be the kind of person who was always thinking, the kind of person who woke up in the middle of the night with a great idea and kept a notepad on their nightstand to record those inconvenient moments of brilliance. Whether or not my brain works this way because of this assembly, I’ll never know, but it literally never shuts off. I’m not saying I’m a genius because I’m definitely not, but I am constantly thinking, and it’s actually super annoying.

Most of the ideas I have for posts on this blog come from random thoughts I have while binge-watching Family Guy at 2am or staring at my ceiling, sleeplessness c/o caffeine overdoses and insomnia. When I have new ideas for posts, I have to write a note to myself on my phone–plenty of times, I told myself I’d remember the next morning, but sure enough, those thoughts were lost to the void. Of course, quite often when I later look at the notes I typed when I was half-asleep, they’re incoherent and a little amusing.

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I like to tell prospective employers that I’m the kind of person who’s never not working–and it’s true. I may work 9-5 in an office everyday, but when I’m not freezing to death at my desk I’m pitching and writing freelance pieces or pouring my heart into this blog. My brain is also never not working, though not always productively. I’m constantly thinking about the future, overthinking the past, and under-thinking how much sleep I need.

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